OPINION I HUMOR
You’ve seen the turtle. The one with sad eyes reflecting the view of a pair of pliers as a researcher pulls out a plastic straw lodged deep into its nose. This turtle changed you forever. Thanks to him, you’ll never again use another plastic straw, let alone be the reason one ends up in the ocean.
Now that you’re a changed human, metal straw in hand, you’ve become part of the solution to this so-called “plastic crisis.” (Thank you, Amazon, for the $4 four-pack of straws wrapped in plastic). Now that you use a metal straw, you’re entitled to do the following:
Book a flight to the beach for spring break so you can pick up trash for the week. Do it for the ‘gram—your followers would go crazy over that photo of the straw on the beach. The turtles say thank you.
Use plastic disposable floss picks. Maybe even use one per tooth for good measure.
Leave the TV on during the day while no one is at home. Dogs get lonely too, O.K.?
Skip recycling that plastic Starbucks cup you’ve been sipping from with your metal straw. There’s one less straw in the ocean now, so the turtles are safe and sound. The recycling bin probably ends up being mixed with the trash or dumped into the ocean in the end anyways.
Leave the front door propped open during the summer. Your mother has always said she isn’t paying to cool the whole neighborhood but the joke is on her now. Climate change is real and what better way to start cooling things down?
Buy the potatoes individually wrapped in plastic from the grocery store. This one is really about protecting your health—the last person digging through the potato bin probably had the coronavirus anyways.
Ask for an extra cup of ranch dressing for that last chicken strip the next time you eat out. It’s about cutting back on plastic usage, not calories.
Speaking of disposable two-ounce plastic cups—take as many Jell-O shots as you want the next time you go to a tailgate or darty.
Make kites out of all the leftover plastic bags you don’t know what else to do with. It’s no big deal if a few get loose in the wind. The turtles are going to need something to eat now that there are fewer straws around.
Order the latest trendy clothes from Wish. These products will be shipped in plastic packaging and are likely made using child labor, but at least now, you’ll look good while you’re out promoting environmental awareness.
Six months from now, throw out those T-shirts you ordered from Wish since they’ve already gone out of style.
Buy glitter in bulk and dump it into a local river or stream to celebrate your commitment to protecting the environment.
While you’re there, send a message in a (plastic) bottle downstream. Describe to Earthlings of the future what life with sea turtles is like before they go extinct.
Lastly, remember to keep your followers up to date by posting pictures to Instagram and Snapchat each and every time you use that sleek, sexy metal straw. They might not admit it, but your followers truly are jealous of just how cool you are.
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